PRECIOUS

So, I mean, WOW, what can I say?

Depeche Mode played in Sofia tonight, and I'm breathless and speechless and sleepless. I also have a headache since I was jumping and singing and shouting throughout the whole concert. And if you know Depeche, or if you've checked the setlists, you know that means about 20 songs :-P

Wow. I'm so happy. The show was wonderful, and watching Dave walk on stage (half-naked :-P) was fabulous. He looked so young, damn it! And the guys' singing was fabulous too. Needless to say, the whole band was more than fabulous. There was bliss in the air.

Weird, I didn't know I loved Depeche so much.

And here's how I feel, using the words to a song I wished they would play, but I knew they wouldn't:

"Something beautiful is happening inside for me
Something sensual, it's full of fire and mystery
I feel hypnotized
I feel paralyzed
I have found heaven
There's a thousand reasons why I shouldn't spend my time with you
For every reason not to be here I can think of two
Keep me hanging on
Feeling nothing's wrong
Inside your heaven"

It's also weird how I saw a certain ex of mine at the concert, who's being a jerk as always, but I thought of other things... I thought of the beautiful sky and I literally DROWNED in Depeche and the music, and I felt self-sufficient and happy. To my surprise, this feeling of not needing guys has been prevalent recently. I'm in love, kind of, but you never understood what I mean by that, so I won't elaborate.

Enjoy the silence.

Anathema

... is the name of the band that was my life back in 2000-2002 (or something like that). And you know, my first boyfriend actually interviewed them since he was working for a music magazine... And I used to edit his articles back then... and now we haven't talked for years, and he's the editor of the most popular music magazine here.
I just came back home-- I was out with a really cool guy who became a very close friend of mine after one of his best friends totally dumped me (as a friend too). This boy (not the guy I went out with) was my first boyfriend (and I was his first girlfriend as far as I remember)... back when I was 15. It was love at first sight, but this love was greatly inspired by our favorite band, Anathema. And then stuff happened and we broke up, but then after some hardships and issues we became so close that I started calling him my brother. There were a lot of unclear feelings in the air when we were around each other... but then my relationship with the Ex happened... and maybe unrelated to that, my "brother" stopped talking to me...
Anyway though. So this other guy, my first bf's very close friend, is a really nice person, and very interesting to talk to as well. We should hang out again. And no, not because we have a future :-P Didn't I say no drama? In case I didn't, NO DRAMA this summer.

Limbo

Don't you think when you're flying somewhere and you're waiting for your second flight, you're in some sort of limbo? Metaphorically speaking of course. I mean, I had gotten off my flight from LAX and I was drinking beer at the Munich airport since I had to wait for 5 hours (cause Lufthansa are insane and the first flight was delayed, and also I'm insane and only had 45 min to get on my connecting flight). And I thought, dear God, I'm so tired, and I'm going home, and I have no idea how I'll feel there. And now I'm stuck here for 5 hours...

Anyway, this wasn't my point. My point is I was writing an evaluation for Sarkis since I have to get such things out of the way before I can start doing my real work. Then I put a particular song by Laura Pausini on, and I have no idea what she's singing, but it made me think of some things. So I don't know what you'll think of what I have to say, but despite my fits of depression and lack of self confidence, I actually like myself. I mean, there are a LOT of things I do not like about myself, but I believe there are some things about me that are very cute and admirable. And even if currently there is no one who appreciates them to the point of liking me romantically (unless I don't know enough about what people think of me), it doesn't at all mean there won't be someone someday who will appreciate everything that I am. Also, surprise surprise, that last crush I had also doesn't fit the profile of the person who cares enough to get to know me well and like me. So that person also gets a check in the "doesn't work for me" column. And I keep looking. Actually right now I'm not even looking, I'm just waiting to be found.

Just to contradict myself since I like to do that, let me say that the song also made me think of what was a usual scene in my mental landscape in that last month of this year at Pomona. The scene is, I'm sitting at my computer, trying to do work, and listening to songs that made me think of how we were all going to leave the campus soon. It's kind of sick, but I kind of miss that sadness a little. However, it's much better to be here because among other things, my sanity is by far less endangered here.

the pit is the tower

I just came back from the so-called Theatre Workshop Sfumato. My very good friend / ex-"wife" Yasna was one of the 12 students in one of the most wonderful performances that I've seen since I became a theatre freak... I was breathless. I also cried (twice) but I'm not sure what that means. It's true that I'm very emotional and I'm moved very easily, but it's also true that few performances make me cry. I can't even begin to describe "Excavation Materials." It was based on numerous works by Platonov, but it was a lot more than that. I was kind of annoyed at the beginning, since repetitions and shouting on stage are not my favorite communication media, but I was totally in love with the thing at the end. One of the scenes I'll never forget is when Yasna and another girl were being Tatu and singing "Ya Soshla s Uma" (which, in case you don't know, means "I've Lost My Mind"), and in the background footage was projected from the period in Ukraine when people starved literally to death (and that hunger was deliberately caused by our favorite Communism regime) and, as the voice of some woman was saying, there was cannibalism in the country. You don't wanna see that footage of corpses in the winter, parts of which, as the woman said, were simply severed... for food. You don't wanna see that. You also don't wanna know how an individual from the working class felt at that time. These people on stage totally show you how frustrated and useless and mentally unstable one felt... kind of very different from us who have the luxury of being able to be independent and free-thinking and all that... Ahh, I can't describe such thing. I wish you could see the performance. Cause once again, words can say very little.
Which reminded me of my pseudo-German Plotting Crime class. It was a literature class, and a philosophy class, and a history of culture class... and it inspired so many thoughts. Also, please read City of Glass by Paul Auster. And Pattern Recognition by William Gibson.
It also reminded me of the ruins of the World Trade Center and how I felt when I was there. I cried there too, but I'm not sure it was just for the people who died.