Good Signs

So I got off the bus one stop earlier today cause I was early and I thought it would be a good idea to walk for a while. And who did I see? I saw my #1 or #2 (I haven't decided yet who gets the first place) love from home. Some chick got off the bus with me and went up to him too, but after I said Hi, I didn't turn back to check if they kissed. I don't wanna know. It kind of hurt for a sec--and after I analyzed my reaction, I realized it's not because I have any feelings, rather because I hate to be an ex and to know that someone isn't mine anymore.
On a different note--I know better than anyone perhaps that love isn't about having, but just so you know, I've had (and loved) some very wonderful guys :)
The hurting was overcome very quickly, and I think I'm clean of any dramas right now. I think I'm still in love--platonically--with one or two people, but it's not love, it's some sort of inspiration or something. Also, if you think you know who these people are, don't be so sure.
I'm going out soon and will probably sleep over at Stan's (Stan = "my future husband," but that's just what we call each other, in a "My Best Friend's Wedding" kind of way). But I'm not drinking (diet!).
Oh also, my mom and I finally found me some awesome shoes so we bought them :-D

Road Trip?

So I got waxed and my hair fixed (mainly re-dyed) today and I'm feeling happy.
Also what makes me happier is I drank beer with my friends once again and I randomly mentioned my idea... which is that we should go on a fabulous road trip... and to my surprise, they all seem excited! Stan is probably going to Portugal for at least two months (and I might go visit) so this makes things more complicated, but we hope to be able to do the road trip and, most of all, the annual seaside trip.
I still need to call a bunch of people that I haven't seen in a long time so there are a lot of pleasant going-out-for-coffee / beer events ahead... jivot i zdrave (which you always say when you don't want to provoke God / some bad fortune... and basically means "if we're alive and healthy"). I should be glad, no? :)

Theatres

The theatre season has been given a decent start too, and the first play for this summer has been seen. A lot more are supposed to follow, including one in which my ex-wife / very good friend from high school has a role.

It's freaking hot here!

Deep

Muahaha, here's something I wrote a long time ago which I just found... Pretty gothy, right? :)

"your hand are cruel… pale… cold…

It was always dark, and now it's even deeper. When you touch the knife and twist it in me with your hollow eyes… you stare blindly, and you feel so empty, and you fill me with your emptiness… to death, in life. I drink for you, and crawl for you, and scream for you, and hate myself in return… for you. Devour me and take it all from me; wet me and dry me up; fill me up to the limits and then leave me forever. I'm an extremist: I hate having only a part of you inside."

P.S. By that last sentence I actually don't mean anything sexual.

First Night of the Season

So, today was a big day (err night).
I went to see Die Zauberfloete at the opera! In a very classy outfit and very high high heels... The performance was very good, only I couldn't help falling asleep... basically cause I just don't like the opera. The theatre is a very different thing--I love watching plays, but the opera... no, not my thing.
Anyway, so still in these very classy high heels I headed for the so-called Students' Town which is a part of Sofia where lots of student dorms are and where people party a lot, obviously. We have friends there so we decided to drink there for a change, since we usually go to the park. I'm amazed by how wise my friends have become (or actually... not many of them were there since many haven't come back yet). We don't drink as much anymore which is quite nice (I just drank beer). Anyway, my summer with them was given a decent start since we stayed till 6 am (it's now 8 am as I'm writing this...)
I don't even feel tired anymore... I just saw something that amused me too. Should I sleep now? Not tired at all... but maybe I should after all.
Hm, I'm trying to get back to normal in terms of sleeping habits... I've been going to bed around 2 and waking up at 10... And I haven't wasted a single day yet... (Haha, there's time for that :-P)

"and so it is..."

I just went out with my friends for the first time this summer (since I finally completed the cleaning up mission today ;) ). And it was good... we drank beer cause the plan was to just get together rather than drink... and... we're going out tonight again for a real "going out" experience... but... things are not the same anymore. Somehow, I don't feel so close to them anymore. I'll do my best to spend the summer as fabulously as possible, but it might not be... possible... to have as much fun as we did last summer or the summer before that.

One good thing is, the obsession I used to write about here is gone.

Home!

Yupee I'm home now! :)
I choose not to tell you about my trip cause grr I was stuck in Munich for 5 hours (and what did I do? I drank beer, of course :) And bought some Lindt...)
Haven't unpacked yet, which I was planning on doing yesterday since I was supposed to be home at 5 pm rather than midnight, but... oh well. I don't think anything's getting unpacked today either cause my friends and I are going to watch the Champions League final in my "future husband's" house, but we'll see...
It's warmer here than I was told / expected, so that's nice.

Dan and James totally rule

Today was a very good day.
Talked to Dan for half an hour over some coffee / lunch. Then graduation, I didn't cry too much.
Dinner with Monika and Nacho at Pizza'n'Such. Followed by some packing and several trips to North Campus.
Managed to say goodbye to pretty much everyone, Stilian, Sam Miner, Dan (for the third time). But I'm going to see him next year if nothing gets screwed up.
Speaking of Dan, we managed to talk about so many important things this morning.
Anyway, then I was commuting between Oldenborg and North Campus as I said, ran into James at some point and asked him if I could say Hi to him in person now that I friended him. So we talked for a while, and it was so cool, and I wish I'd met him earlier. He said "likewise," and he seemed sincere, which makes me happy.
Now I have to make myself go to sleep... I couldn't leave North Campus for a while, kept coming back.
Trying to hold my tears... And I love you, seniors.
P.S. Dan is right, trying not to think and turning off sometimes is good. And also the only way out right now.

"I'm Still Remembering"

I'm done with school :) And I'm storing / packing.

I need to cry to make this crap that's inside me go away. But I can't cry. I hope I cry my brains out tomorrow at graduation.

And it's not just him, not at all. I think graduation is meant to make you cry.

I wish I had know them, both him and his best friend, earlier, so I could soak in their ideas and do what they do, cause they inspire me somehow.

But I haven't lost him yet, and I don't think I will.

You know what?

Dieser Mann is einfach wunderbar.
Ich habe heute auch begreifen, dass die Ende des Jahres keine Ende unserer Freundschaft ist. Ich verliere ihn diesen Sonntag nicht! :)

Two finals down, another final and a paper left. I can do it!

It's HARD

This is freakin' hard... I can say I've learnt to cope with my moods, but they keep coming. I'm doing work and doing it better than I usually do, but there are thousands of things that remind me that in several days, I'll be GONE from here. I love home and I would LOVE to be with my parents, but it's freaking HARD TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE SO DRASTICALLY TWICE A YEAR. I always have to leave once my love for a place returns. How do you learn to fight this? :'(

I'm getting there (I hope)

How I spent my last week:
Wednesday - paper writing all day, class, End of the World party
Thursday - grading, some procrastinating / taking a break finally, then Monika's, then watching people play gin bucket / talking to Ben
Friday - more grading, CS reading in the evening, and a walk / non-party at HMC for an hour at night
Saturday - CS reading all day except for the dinner at Stephanie's house
Sunday - CS reading all day
Monday - Plotting Crime reading all day, including Pattern Recognition
Tuesday - Pattern Recognition, now paper writing

Seems to me I've done a good deal of work. I still have a lot left to do, but I think I'm sort of getting there, we'll see.

On a very different note: Titus Winters said "No" to us unfortunately, so a new candidate is coming this Thursday. On top of all my work, Dan, Ned, and I have to take the new guy to lunch on Thursday... and a kind of "formal" lunch isn't really what I needed right before my Plotting Crime final, but I'll have to deal with it :) After all, Kathy asked us if we could do it, but I can't say no to the CS dept :)

Yupee

So we just got ChunkyString back, which for those of you who don't know is the presumably scariest CS70 assignment ever. Even Ben told me how harsh the graders were on it. But we got an A and we also didn't lose a single point which makes me very happy :-D Stone's comment says it's very unsual for anyone's code to pass all the tests, so that only shows that April and I are simply great!!! Heh, wish me luck on the final though!

Changes

I talked to one of my old loves from home last night. He's probably one of the men in my life because what happened between us was actually based on common interests (philosophy, lifestyle, and most importantly music). And there was a huge deal of unrepeatable passion involved, and my love or whatever it was was not unrequited. Anyway, so a long time ago, when I used to write poems about him, I mentioned in one of them that if it happens so that he becomes less "dark" and "thoughtful," he wouldn't be special anymore. Well, after talking to him, I realized he's become a lot more cheerful... which is a good thing of course, but sadly enough, I don't find him as interesting anymore.
Well, I did suggest that when I get home we should go out and drink as we did in the old days... but it's going to be different. Once again though, this simply means less drama :) And I'm curious to see if a pure friendship can develop out of the ashes of our passion. Cause I think I only want friendships now. I'm actually also curious to see if he still finds me interesting, cause we both acknowledged I've changed too... but that's it, just curious.

Oh boy, how you've molested my heart, you weird man...

yep! :)

So I woke up this morning very optimistic again. It's a very cool feeling, being able to stop whining.
And also I have decided not to check my Facebook for at least a few hours, muahaha, I mean days.
Let's get working now :)

discoveries

Hmm, I think what I'm dreaming of is seeing you let your guard down. But why am I sad, I've seen that already after all :) And I loved you, and you didn't mind too much.

"This one's optimistic..."

This one will be both optimistic and whiny. Unless it turns out optimistic.
So, I'll miss him incredibly. There's no doubt about this.
True, I'll miss many other seniors too. And Pomona as a whole because I won't see people for three months.
Two of my friends who were home when I got home last summer won't be there. Out of 10 people since this is how big my group is approximately, that's a huge change. Especially because one of them is my best friend in the group and the other one is my last high school crush's future best man (in theory, that's simply what they call each other). So they won't be there to distract me, and consequently I expect it would take over a month to get over him. But that's still fine.
However also true is that I'm going HOME and I'll see my parents! :) And I'm sure I will find tons of things to do, hopefully meaningful things! :)
Also true is that Pomona is NOT OVER FOR ME yet. So my dear seniors, just like David would say, you should be the ones crying, not I. But as we know I wouldn't want you to cry.
Dear God, there are so many wonderful things ahead :) And no, I WILL NOT CRY AND MISS THESE THINGS. Hell no.
It's kind of funny. If I were happy right now and with him, I'm sure I would cry just as much at graduation as I would now since I'm not with him. And when I read these entries after a month, I would be equally sad in both cases. Actually I shouldn't be sad now since he's been allowing me to do cute things for him and we basically talk every time we see each other and he even goes out of his way at parties (in a strictly literal sense) to come say hi to me. So what more could I want? Anyway my point was, why whine now rather than enjoy the moment?
And some things are pretty enjoyable right now. Other than what I mentioned, I just spent an hour or so talking to Ben and listening to music on his iPod while people were playing gin bucket on Marston Quad. Also I friended James McFarland cause I really felt tempted to do that when I saw he likes Godspeed You! Black Emperor.
Almost falling asleep. I'm gonna make a plan now cause I need to do all these four things that are due next Thursday and Friday well.

P.S. I did not say I won't cry on graduation. The tears produced in the last few days before we leave would probably equal the amount of alcohol I'm going to drink. So bear with me.

as simple as that

strawberries. d1. d2. d1. d1. attempt at sanity. coming to me from where he stood. hug. talk. normal. grin. come in. d2. better. d1. done. empty. end of the year party. table manners. talk. music. and i do.

Yes it will

It will be fine when it's over. It will be fine. It will be fine. It has to be fine. It absolutely has to be fine.

Don't Panic

"Oh, all that I know,
There's nothing here to run from,
And there, everybody here's got somebody to lean on..."

Last night I was working with Jon on our Digital Art piece and we did a lot, went to grab food at the Coop, then came back and worked again, but at 2:30 I let him take a nap (and even grabbed my blanket so he doesn't get cold) but I couldn't wake the poor baby till 4:30 so I just finished up on my own, which was fine. I spent a lot of time talking to Darren online again... Also, since I love being people's mom, I asked Dan if he needed anything since I saw he was still online at 4:30 am and I know he hasn't slept in a while. So he said he'd appreciate it if I could read through his thesis this morning, but at 9 he wasn't done yet, and then at 11 he called me again to say he couldn't come to the lab because he wasn't done yet. I saw Erik Fagerstrom and Ben Sibelman submit their theses around 11:40 so I think they were fine, and I suppose Ian, Mike, and Evan submitted theirs earlier. Swanson was checking his for typos until 11:55 or so but I'm sure he's fine. So that leaves Dan, and I tried to sound as optimistic as possible when I talked to him on the phone... I hope he submitted his thesis on time. If he keeps his promise from last night we'll hang out after he's done with PL's and he gets some sleep.

Our presentation went pretty well! I'm kind of tired to describe what we did in detail, but basically we had a computer as one of the characters (including voice) and Flash animations to illustrate parts of the dialogue. I'm pleased with my acting (first time this happens!) and I think, as Jon said, that our project was in the better half of the presentations.

Off to Oldenborg Special Dinner now... No tanning today probably.

In the Sun

Today has been a good day so far... I finished my German paper draft! Woke up at 9:30 (rather than 8 as I planned but that was fine) and worked in my room till 1, when Andreea and I moved to Millikan (she went to class, I went to the lab to keep writing). Katz let us go pretty early so on the way back I figured I could finally go suntan on Marston Quad, but I had to go drop off my stuff in my room first. And who did I find on the Quad? Andreea and Karin :) So I joined them in 20 min with Yasmina Reza's Art in my left hand and a glass of orange juice with a tiny amount of vodka in it in the right.
Then I came back, showered (in only 15 min! yay :)) and we all went to dinner (at Frary, cause Frank is closed because of a strike or something...?)
Something happened at dinner that got me really pissed because you can't tell me you were SAD when the Soviet Union fell apart, because fuckin Communism was as disgusting as the Nazi period in Germany and elsewhere. And if you don't know people went to concentration camps in Communism too, then please get more info and then talk to me about Communism.
Thank God Monika talked to me and explained to me that some people forget bad things and we shouldn't hate them because they do. I personally do hate people who forget such things as concentration camps and that's it. But I do agree that some people have simply always been privilidged, and I guess it doesn't matter to them that someone was being tortured while their own family simply joined the Communist Party because that was the easy way.
No offense to anyone who likes Communism. But don't expect I won't feel repulsed by any praise of it.